Jealousy is a powerful emotion. At its smallest, it creates a pang deep within your belly, a feeling that you just can’t shake. At its height, it can make you do stupid stuff. Here’s my story.
If you’re suffering from jealousy in a dating sense, it’s because your focus is in the wrong place. Jealousy generally is linked to ownership, a sense of entitlement. And when we’re referring to women, this is a horrible headspace to be in. So, how do you beat jealousy? Essentially, you change your focus. That’s all well and good, but let’s give you some specific scenarios so you have some context to work with – helping you to discover ways to overcome jealousy
Jealous over a girl that you’re not seeing?
I know this specific situation all too well. I caught the bus to school with Jess every morning. Right from 7th grade, we were good friends. Jess was sort of quirky and geeky, too. But she was cute and she was starting to blossom into an attractive woman.
She hadn’t had a lot attention through primary school but as she moved up to high school, things started to change for her. She physically developed and started to get interest from guys. I felt like, because I’d shown interest in her and been keen on her before she had become popular, that she owed me something.
I felt like I could give her something that these other guys couldn’t, something that was genuine and powerful, something that was real. But, I was kidding myself. Ultimately, I couldn’t provide her what she needed. And even if I could, that didn’t give me ownership of her.
A more powerful focus for me, other than worrying about other guys who were dating Jess or chasing after her, would have been to focus on my own personal development. How could I become the best man that I could possibly be? How could I learn to like myself more?
Ultimately, I have no say over whether Jess likes me or not. She has to make that decision herself. But, if I take ownership of my desire and interest for her and I work on becoming the most attractive man I can become, then I’m giving myself every opportunity.
Are you a jealous boyfriend?
Fast forward to 27 years old, and I’ve been actively working on the social science of dating and relationships for three years. Despite not having any of the physical qualities or financial resources that other successful guys have, I’m batting well above my weight.
I’m dating Jenna, a girl from my local city. Jenna is absolutely stunning. My friends are all jealous that I’m dating her and not them. On the outside, I put up a proud front. But, on the inside, I have my own jealousy issues going on. Jenna gets hit on by guys every day. It’s the nature of the job.
Whilst I understand this on an intellectual level, I still struggle emotionally when guys are hitting on my girl, and overcoming jealousy like this is hard. It’s always compounded when they’re more attractive, more muscular, and financially better off than I am. Whilst I’ve taught myself to see myself as the prize on a deeper level, I worry like crazy that I’m going to lose Jenna. This drives me to become incredibly suspicious.
What jealousy can drive you to…
I even caught myself checking out her text messages a couple of times. This was a crazy focus to have. When you’re worried about losing a girl, and particularly when you’re jealous about other guys in her life, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. A much better focus for me should have been concentrating on the fact that Jenna had chosen to enter a relationship with me, and learning how to control the jealousy in a relationship.
Further to that, I should have actually been questioning what it was that Jenna was bringing to the relationship. When you flip the script like this and force her to prove herself on a daily basis, you naturally begin to challenge her more, and she responds positively to being challenged. Most guys don’t know this, but one of the deepest needs that a woman has is to please her man.
I should have been giving Jenna more of an opportunity to please me. Instead, I was doing the opposite. I was trying too hard to make her like me. I was coming off as needy and insecure. And, ultimately, within three months, I drove her away.
Fast forward to now…
My current relationship is amazing. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I cherish and honor on every level. She ticks my boxes physically and emotionally. She supports me in my goals and she understands who I am and accepts me. We both have a potent sexual appetite. And we also both have an interest in the fairer sex. Jess openly seeks out opportunities for threesomes.
Two weeks ago, we had a foursome with two Red Bull promotional girls. And that was a sizzling experience. I can’t go out with Jess without her being checked out by other guys, but I’ve learned to control my focus. I’ve learned to control my jealousy. Now, our focus in our relationship is simple. I like you today, I want to see you tomorrow.
There is no commitment down the track. There are no feelings of ownership. I’m unattached to all outcomes. This new focus has set me free. When you let go of ownership and you open yourself up to all outcomes, jealousy just doesn’t exist.