We received a question a couple of days ago that touches on an issue some would deem quite controversial – dating a married woman. But we don’t shy away from this kind of stuff, because if people find themselves in these situations (which they often do), and they need our advice, then we’re not going to let political correctness get in the way of what needs to be said.
If her marriage is failing, it could be because her husband forgot what a relationship is really like. Relationships aren't a snowball that you push once down a hill, and then it just keeps rolling. Relationships are where you push the snowball UPHILL, and if you ever stop pushing (putting effort in), then the snowball/relationship metaphor is going to roll right back down.
“Dear Vin,
I recently met this married woman, and we really hit it off. You see, she’s not happy with her marriage, and she’s going to be getting out of it. I guess we’ve already started dating but I don’t know if there are any rules in regards to this, and to be honest I don’t know what she’s looking for right now.
I was just wondering if you have advice for how to date married women in these situations. It just seems like she wants to have some fun because she’s kind of unhappy with the rest of her life.
Thanks for any help!
Jose from Mexico”
The Golden Rule of Relationships
Rule number one, and the golden rule with all relationships, whether you’re dealing with married or single women, whether you’re dealing with women who just wants to have a casual hook-up, or with a woman who wants a little bit more. Regardless of the circumstances, the golden rule is that you need to be open, honest, and coming from a genuine place. Only if you focus on those three things are you going to have success with the relationship.
Rather than writing an e-mail to me and questioning me about what she’s thinking and what she wants, you actually need to be having that conversation with her. You need to be getting an idea of what she’s looking for right from the source.
And what are you looking for?
Identifying what you want is critical too. I think it’s entirely the wrong perspective for guys to think, “I need to find out what things she’s interested in, and then I can know how I’m going respond”. Why is what she wants more important than your own preferences? Women can be quite adaptable to what you want, so focus on that.
Do you just want it to be fun and playful? If that’s the case, then shape your relationship in that direction. Do you want something to be a little more serious? If so, shape the relationship in a more serious direction.
Once you get a sense of what you want, be open and honest with her about it, and communicate to her how you feel using both your actions, and more subtle signals that you’re going to start showing subconsciously once you’ve decided what you actually want. This will demonstrate to her that you know what you want, and that heading will help steer her in the same direction, even if it’s not what she’s after at this immediate point in time.
Keeping it low-key and fun
If that’s what you want, then you’re in a good place to begin with because one of the key factors that keeps a relationship more casual and fun is making sure that you give one another more space and time to miss each other. If she’s just coming out of a marriage, there’s a lot going on in her life.
Which means she’s not going to have a lot of time to be able to commit to you every second of every day. But that means that when you do get the opportunity to spend time with her, you can pretty much move the interaction straight to sex, because you know that you’re going to have a limited amount of time anyway. You know you’ve already set a sexual frame with her, so you can skip a lot of the other stuff and move straight to sex.
It also means that once you finish having sex, you’ve got that freedom if you want to not have to hang around. There’s not that pressure to feel like you have to stay around and nurture her. It’s certainly an option for you if you want to, but there’s no obligation.
I’m not saying that running off after sex won’t impact the relationship, but you’ve certainly got that freedom. You’ll see how with time, that will go a long way towards setting the relationship within a more casual framework.
As for what she really wants?
If you really want to know how to date a married woman, then you have to understand that if her marriage isn’t working out, there’s probably an underlying cause. The most likely would be that she’s bored! Her husband was probably exciting and full of original ideas for dates, and would take her out a lot and give her a lot of his attention when he was her boyfriend, but after several years together, he probably stopped trying, and the relationship just fell apart.
That means she’s looking for ACTION. She wants the opposite of what she’s been experiencing during her married life, which means that she probably wants some excitement, adventure, and for you to know what you want and be an alpha male.
If that’s who you want to be. If you realize that being just another nice guy is going to get you nowhere with women. Then conquer your fears once and for all, and become the man you deserve to be!
